she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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