Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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