aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
