I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
