yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
