So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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