Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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