I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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