seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
