at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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