im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize