The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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