I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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