I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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