so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
