worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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