It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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