I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
