I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize