I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
