i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
