he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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