Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
