Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
