Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
