I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
