Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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