Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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