My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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