his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
