so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
