I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
