You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
