I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
