I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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