Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
