Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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