just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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