if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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