I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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