Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
