hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
