gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I understand Curling. That high.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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