someone threw a dead crab at me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
