Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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