So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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