I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
