I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
