If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize