I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
