The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
