i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
