K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
