your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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