Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
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