I met the friendliest cop last night
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Couch. On fire.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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