Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
