I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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