I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
