By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I faked an abortion last night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
