but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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