Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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