I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
